New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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