You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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