I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
