I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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