I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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