My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize