if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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