She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
