he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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