he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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