That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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