I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
