forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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