ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
