I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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