I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
