I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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