This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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