I'm so fucking centered right now
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
