listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
