This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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