so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
