I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize