I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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