i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
