I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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