My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
