Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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