they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
