Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
