Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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