she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
