So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
