On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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