Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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