it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
