So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
