i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
