i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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