Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
