They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
