I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
