Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize