I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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