dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
