some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
