he was CRYING into my vagina
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
