I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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