I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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