Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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