You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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