I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
