Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
