did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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