He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
