she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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