hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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