I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
