imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
