I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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