i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
