My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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