Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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