So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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