Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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