Tell her she can't have a vagina
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
