my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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