Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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